Thursday, November 17, 2011

past redunkulous medical cures (dark humor/sarcasm)

!what the freak!

so mothers you say your stressed out? okay we have a remedy for you. introducing the soothing syrup. it will calm your terrible 2's and give you a extra few hours of sleep. heck maybe a lifetime of rest if they don't wake up cause these tasty concoctions are packed with every drug you can think of: morphine, opium, cannabis, codeine, heroin....did i say morphine? so come by and get them because in a few years they'll be illegal.

so you want to simplify your life and find a all purpose remedy? have you checked out mercury? no, not the planet silly, the substance. though it may be pretty toxic stuff it works wonders! maybe you've cut your finger off. don't call the doctor. pour some mercy on that baby. have you any problems with pregnancy? eat mercury for breakfast! there are a few side effects you should be aware of though: 'chest pains, heart and lung problems, coughing, tremors, violent muscle spasms, psychotic reactions, delirium, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies, restless spleen syndrome, testicular twisting and anal implosion' just to name a few. despite those small side effects this substance may even help cure syphilis. you may get poisoned in the process but at least in the end you can say you tried. don't take our word for it. even mozart used mercury and look where he is now!

so you want to stop hacking your brains out each night from a cold right? it can get quite embarrassing in class when you can't stop coughing during a lecture or a really quiet written test. just imagine a library. well don't be in distress we got just the cure for you: try some heroin! it'll save you on the thousands of bags of cough drops you buy each month that only stink up your breath and make your mouth extremely dry. if you don't believe me ask bayer. you know that friendly aspirin brand. they'll vouch for me.

so men you seem to be having problems in the bedroom aye? it can get a little disappointing when you can't keep up with your partner. seems like your lacking some energy. no worries. here's what to do: take the jumper cables from your car and clip them onto your private parts. turn on the car and press the gas. there may be a initial shock but that's only because its working. you may need to recover afterwards for up to a month and then you'll be energized to heat things up in the bedroom again and boy will you be ready!

so you say your not feeling yourself lately? things are a bit gloomy. you don't eat and you can't sleep. sounds like you got depression. let me tell you what we're gonna do: firstly, you see this 10 inch long pick? we're gonna jam that into your eye socket. secondly, you see this mallet? we're gonna use it to pound the pick even further into you brain. and lastly you see my hand? we're gonna shake the pick around in your brain sort of like the stiring of soup. now if you don't think this is safe ask the other 70, 000 other people that have gotten this procedure and ask the inventor of lobotomy who has won a nobel prize for it. this has become the solution to all of lifes problems. we use it as a cure for all mental illnesses. what can be better than that?

so your looking for a natural cure that doesnt cost much? well what can get any more natural and less costly than your own urine. in fact its the cycle of life. instead of peeing into your toiler urinate into a cup and save it for later. forget bottled water and sports drinks. this liquid is coming directly from your body with all its nutrients. its like eating your own feces. you may have bad breath for the rest of your life but you'll certainly live longer.

so you've suddenly come down with a cold. you've gone under the weather right before a certain engagement and need a instant remedy to get better. here's what you do: take any sharp object, pierce your skin and let the blood flow. people might think your into self mutilation but pretty soon they'll be doing the same thing. if you can find a vampire or even better a blood donor your in for luck as you won't have to do it yourself. just make sure your well nourished before this bloody ordeal or else you'll end up passed out on the floor.

so you wish you could eat all you want and still stay thin like your friends with high metabolisms? well there is a way: introducing the tape worm diet. if you eat these pills the little insects in them will eat your fat. you can sit back and let the little wormies do their munching while you do your munching. its a mutual transaction. the more tape worms you consume the more food you can eat and stay thin. if you don't like the tape worm diet pills then try our new crack pills. you'll be so addicted to them that you'll forget to even eat! thats the magic of crack. you may develop a life threatening habit but you'll drop tons of pounds in a few days and before you know it you'll be fitting in your summer swim suit!

so you seem to be having increased migraines lately? they're so strong that you cannot even focus in class. now your looking for relief. have you tried trepanation? its real simple. all we do is drill a hole in your head, usually without anesthesia of course, and supposedly this treats the condition instantly. although it will be kind of hard to find a doctor that still does this kind of work. its such a old procedure. you might need to go find a indigenous culture similar to the incans and mayans to implement this or just find a manual and do it yourself.

so you ladies are on your monthly mood swings again? you have nervousness, irritability, anger, and a tendency to get in trouble. one would think you've gone hysteric. perhaps you just need some stimulation. although there are doctors with magical hands who can attend to your vaginal needs they have also created certain instruments that can be used personally on yourself. before you know it your 'hysteria' will be gone! 

 Sources Cited

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